Down in the Hole
Ugh. The last 2 weeks have been brutal for me. I made a mistake at work (which I try very hard not to do) and my client was PISSED at me (which has NEVER happened before) and it sent me into a hole. It started with me berating myself for how stupid and incompetent I was and it quickly spiraled to me berating myself for how fat I was. It wasn’t pretty.
With all the work I’ve been doing, I KNOW what it feels like to feel good about myself and it felt like this “fall” was so much harder because on top of berating myself for the way I look, I was berating myself for berating myself. It was really ugly.
The good news? I have some tools and I know how to use them. I started writing positive affirmations and started really talking positively to myself but I was still finding myself slipping back into that hole. I tried taking a bath. We all know how that turned out. I tried yoga. I tried running. I tried talking about it with Shaun, friends, and my sister. The hole was not quite as deep, but I was still in that hole. Finally, I pulled out the big guns and scheduled a meeting with my Life Coach (I still feel so dumb saying that-but really, she is a Life Coach, she’s not a therapist-she talks A LOT about 5x as much as a therapist would).
We met yesterday over the phone and I found myself taking notes. I took 3 pages of notes. I took the most salient points and wrote them on post-its and stuck them on the wall.
Merry Christmas!
I seem to have 2 very strong voices in my head. On is negative and insecure the other is positive and happy. I need to acknowledge both of them and then make the choice. I choose happy! (Happy is actually a hard choice for me because it’s comfortable to be negative and insecure-it’s what I know and what I have known for almost 30 years. I’m trying to re-wire my brain to choose the other, happier voice).
Everything is going to be okay and all the work I’ve done-is not lost.
Pretty self explanatory.
Whatever the situation, we CAN make the choice to make us feel good. I know what will make me feel good in any situation and I need to DO THAT.
There are all sorts of different “frequency sets”-depressed and down is one of them. It’s one I know well. I need to visualize what it feels like to feel good. It will come.
It’s all up to me. I’m in control.
Well this sure does-good friends and LUCY!:
I’m working on this one. I know running and biking do. Competing does…
And my favorite:
The hole feels like a little divot. I can easily get out.
Category: Uncategorized | Tags: depression, getting healthy, hole, life coach, post its, words of wisdom 10 comments »
I was reading your post, relating to what you were dealing with (a little too much!) and at the same time taking in and trying to REALLY absorb the methods you are using to work through it (and OUT of it). Now, you have to imagine … I was reaching out of my own hole …. reaching reaching reaching and trying to grasp and hold on to the pearls (or post-it notes) of wisdom that I was seeing on my screen.
And then??
There was LUCY!!! Oh my God …. that face!
My own face spread into a big smile. You know, the kind that feels like your upturned lips are directly connected to your heart.
And, I realized … the joy I was feeling in that moment … is REAL. The sadness I’ve been feeling in my hole …. is NOT!
All that, just by looking into the face of a child!
Problem solved! LOL! Thank you Chelsea (and Lucy) : )
hugs ~Patty
p.s: BTW … you’re amazing Chelsea. Things happen. That’s just life. It’s hard, but you have to go on, and not internalize it. You do your best every . single . day. Right? That’s all you can do. Oh! And the client that was “PISSED”? Guess what? He (or she) makes an occasional mistake too.
Thank you Patty. SO MUCH.
Chelsea. You inspire me so much. This is an amazing entry that spoke to me in so many ways…you have no idea. Thank you!
Keep hanging in there. You are an amazing person who is doing amazing things in life.
I’m glad it helped. I always question putting stuff like this out there but then when I do and I hear that it helps, it makes it all worth it.
Hi Chels! I have been so busy that I have not been to your blog in quite sometime. =( Now I am going through your old posts trying to catch up. lol
I think we all get into holes. I know I am in one right now. And I’m not sure if it’s my stubbornness or the fact that I don’t like asking for help, but I often find myself thinking I can make the change on my own. In most cases yes, but it is always comforting to hear non-biased advice. I do hope you start to feel better. You are truly amazing and beautiful… I mean that.
My husband and I were going to move to Boise this year too! How funny! =) We ended staying in Seattle but in retrospect we are still very close!
Thank you!!! And it is okay to ask for help-it really is!
chelsea, i love that you are so honest about your struggles – we all go through them, know you’re not alone – and it WILL get easier. PROMISE! you’re doing the work, so i know it will….
Chelsea ~ I have a hard time putting into words how amazing I think you are. It is so easy to get used to being in our holes and accepting it as normal (hmm…) but you are constantly working to be the happiest and best you. Thank you for sharing your wisdom – I learn so much from you!
I know it sounds cliche but the only way to go from down in a hole is up! Keep your chin up Chelsea. Thanks for sharing. The right road is not always the easiest one to take….